Dear Hollywood,
So I see it is once again big blockbuster time at the movies. I bet you guys are thrilled! This season we have remakes of movies that have already been done, comic book inspired movies, sequels, more sequels, movies based on books, and what is supposedly the “last” sequel to the quintessential blockbuster. Millions of people around the world are going to be spending the hot summer nights sitting in freezing cold movie theaters drinking seven dollar sodas, eating obscure candies (what the fuck are snowcaps anyways?), and getting bombarded by previews and advertisements for the bargain admission price of NINE FUCKING DOLLARS A TICKET!!!!
Just for once could you people come up with a completely new story, with new characters, new themes, new jokes, new action sequences, and new actors for one of your movies? Is there ANY creativity left in your bodies? Why does every fucking movie in the big multiplexes have a “II” or “III” in the title? Furthermore, is a new story so hard to come up with that you have to look to comic books and video games for help?
Also, why in the fuck do you feel it necessary to whore your movies out to so much advertising? If I had a nickel for every time the main character brandishes his sexy new Sieko watch or guzzles a refreshing Mountain Dew then I would have enough money to see more than one of your movies a week! I don’t get, my dearest Hollywood, why you need to sell advertising inside the movie? Are the minute long commercials and theater-slideshows before the movie not enough? If it is because Tom Cruise wants more money, why don’t you just tell him to fuck off and pick an actor with a refreshing face. Contrary to your belief, we aren’t as stupid as you grassfuckers think we is…I mean are…Whatever.
Either way, I am going to blindly turn my money over to the teenager at the box office to watch your guys’ turds regardless of how much you flush the creative and artistic spirit of film making down the toilet. I guess I am as dumb as you think I am. I actually want to see the SIXTH Star Wars movie even though I know, in a nutshell, exactly what is going to happen. Come to think of it, I also really want to see what is going to be the 3rd film rendition of Mr. Wells’ classic. How do you guys do it? How do you make me want to pay a ton of money to watch your bullshit when I know the outcome of the story before I even sit down in my nine dollar seat? Amazing work!
Fuck You Very Much,
Justin
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